Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
