I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We left an ass print on the piano.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I think weed is turning my hair brown
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
