Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
