either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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