I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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