my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
