tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
