I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
