I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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