Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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