I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
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I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
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I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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