I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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