not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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