Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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