I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
