the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
