I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
