:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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