Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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