you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
