the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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