i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
