plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Randomize
