Apparently you make a good broom.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
