just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
