One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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