Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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