So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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