I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
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A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
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Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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