i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
