Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Randomize
