Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
