dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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