Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
