Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
