The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
