I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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