He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Your cock deserves a montage
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
