Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
