I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
