i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
