He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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