Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
