So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
