i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
