did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
