I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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