I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
