dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
