Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
