I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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