if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
