Whatcha textin bout Willis?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
