That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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