Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
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