There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
