i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize