meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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