You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
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then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
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we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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