tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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