I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
