I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
