2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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